Elton's Baby Involved in Cover-up

This is why the use of “family" as an adjective typically makes me cringe. With “family restaurants" suggesting enormous platefuls of gloopy food served to the din of screeching spawn, and “family values" more often than not employed as a pretty term for a conservative agenda, perhaps it's time to just hang it up, yeah?

A manager of Harps supermarket in Mountain Home, Arkansas decided the image of Elton John, David Furnish and their new baby was simply too offensive for young eyes to see and applied the store's censorship policy - a grey plastic “family shield" - normally reserved for pornographic magazines. Clearly the use of the shield, highlighting the men's hairlines rather than the baby, is preferable; we couldn't possible have young children thinking it's okay for two men to create a family. WON'T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!

Please, small-minded homophobes, stop using the word “family" when what you really mean is “bigoted and closed-minded". You certainly don't represent my family.

Dragon Belches

Three nights in a row now, Baby Bird has let out what I'm now referring to as “Dragon Belches". After a good middle-of-the-night feeding, a wee prop-up results in a defeaning, otherworldly sound reminiscent of a rusted jack-in-the-box being forced painfully through its motions.

I reckon it must be quite satisfying.